Strangest Book Covers and Titles

As an author, you don't get to pick your book cover, you can only hope you get something you love. So for some of the author's below, these covers must have seemed like a total nightmare. Others have simply picked really, really bad titles. All of them are great for a laugh.

Oh, Piers Anthony. One can only ask why? Even if that was a central theme of the book, just...no. This is a case of the author picking a really, really bad title.

After I recovered from my fit of screaming, and upon further examination, I can only conclude that what you are looking at is a crocodile in a dress. Poor bastard (the author I mean, not the crocodile).

It doesn't happen often, but I'm nearly lost for words here. This is weirdly specific. Saddle up? Ahem...

Oh my, they don't beat around the bush, do they? I wonder if the entire title fits on the spine?

                                                      Ew. That is all.

                  Captain! We're being attacked by a fleet of magical flying dildos!

             I think I laughed for about fifteen minutes. Yes, mature of me, I know.

 I'm just picturing what led up to this. The author likes one title, the agent another, the publisher another. So they jam them all together, stick in some commas and bam! Awesome title!

Ah yes, the rare and elusive shopping cart in it's natural environment. Careful now, don't get too close! They've been known to run over people's feet.

I hope you've had a laugh at these. Personally some of the covers make me tremble in terror, crossing my fingers and praying to the gods of literature that I won't get stuck with dildos on my cover, or reptiles in night gowns or something.

Why Twitter Can Make You Look Like a Twit

   

   There seems to be three main networking tools for authors. They are as follows:

1)Facebook 

2)Blogging 

3)Twitter

  There are more, to be sure, but I’m not going to list off all the other social networks out there (sorry Myspace).  Most authors seem to have the trifecta working for them, but it wasn't until recently that I caved in and joined twitter. There are reasons why I finally gave in. Authors on blogs would be chatting about things that didn't make sense to me, referring back to contests happening on twitter, or some writer-type drama that everyone seemed to know about except me.  The effect was like someone who has lost their cable and doesn't know what the hell is going on in the outside world because they can’t watch the news. Yes, okay. They could read the newspaper.  Shut up, don’t ruin my metaphor.

    To me, it felt like joining twitter would put my thumb back on the pulse of the publishing industry. Like I would suddenly be allowed into the group. The cheerleaders finally let the goth kid into their circle. Okay, that was a terrible metaphor. I’ll stop now. I apologize. None of you are cheerleaders; you’re all the cool goth kids. Screw the cheerleaders. Ahem, anyway…That was the reason I wanted to jump into the twitter swimming pool and splash around, but there was also a terror of the deep end…damn metaphors just keep cropping up, sorry.

     So, why was I frightened by twitter? At this point you may sit back in your computer chair, arms folded across your chest and say – quite derisively – “Hah! She’s afraid of twitter. What a silly-banana!”  What? You wouldn’t say silly-banana? Hah! You just did.  But I’ll tell you why twitter scares me, just a tiny bit. Twitter, unlike facebook or blogging, seems so much more “in the now” to me. Does that make the slightest bit of sense? Some people seem to tweet their entire day on there. Or their thoughts at literally everything that happens to them.

-9:00 am:OMG! This bagel from Tim Hortons is so deliciously amazing! #yummy bagel

-9:02am: YAR! Traffic is so terrible. Waiting to drop little Bob off at daycare. #trafficsux

-9:10am:Little Bob just pooped in his diaper and it smells so bad! I don’t want my bagel anymore! #eeeeew

    Aside from the fact that we don’t give a flying f-bomb about the fact that you’re stuck in traffic or eating a bagel, we really don’t want to hear about the fact that little Bob just had a bowel movement. If you’re going to have both friends and professional contacts on your twitter account and treat it as both a personal and business account, you need to remember that there are people reading your tweets that don’t want to know these things.

    I know that, and I would like to think I would never slip up and post some intimate detail that will make people doubt my professionalism, but mistakes have been made. That leads me to another subject, the other reason twitter has me wary. Author twitter fits. And in one case, as I will talk about below – Agent twitter fits. But mostly author. Lots of author hissy fits.

    Writers are a crazy bunch. We already know that. But occasionally you get the author that reacts (usually to a bad review) with a case of the bat-shit-insanzies. Yes, I did just make up a word. I’m crazy like that. Incidents like Alice Hoffman’s terrible reaction to a review by Roberta Silman, of the Boston Globe. Hoffman’s very public temper tantrum on twitter is now all over the net. There’s nothing more interesting then a viral hissy fit. The author went so far as to post Silman’s phone number and email address and encourage fans to “tell her what you think of snarky critics”. Well, that’s a professional, stable thing to do, isn’t it?

   Twitter is like a clothesline online. You can either hang out your nice clean, pressed suites for work, or your nasty, stained unmentionables. Another case-in-point is that Laurell K Hamilton has frequently been accused of self-important twitter posts, and one that accused critics of her sex scenes that the only reason they didn’t like it is because “they weren’t getting any”. Like her readers were actually jealous of fictional characters or something. What can we learn from that? Twitter can also be used to drive fans away, if your smug attitude happens to shine through the cracks a little too brightly.

    One of the worse incidents was when author Kiera Cass and her agent discussed a negative review. The agent went so far as to call the reviewer a “bitch”. They then discussed how they were going to go through and “like” all the positive reviews so they can bury the negative one. I’m honestly not sure if they thought the conversation was private, but it wasn’t. And now it’s pasted all over the internet. Forever.

    I realize that it isn’t twitter’s fault. It’s a tool, and it’s all about how you use it. It’s like owning a gun. The gun isn’t going to walk out on little metal legs and shoot the guy across the street. It’s only dangerous if you have some kind of nutso breakdown. Or you have a major grudge against your neighbor and a sleepwalking problem, I guess. It’s not like I’m going to have this uncontrollable urge to write horrible messages on twitter. It’s just a bit intimidating how fast things can go viral on that site. Be careful what you write, right?

    Some people aren’t catching on. Like author A.S Byatt. Her highly publicized hissy fit over a fellow author’s advance was appalling, and years after that she went on to lambaste J.K Rowling and pretty much every adult reader that dares to enjoy the Harry Potter series (apparently we are small-minded and have no notion of true literature. We are only amused by soap operas and reality TV). Yes, it’s popular to hate on what’s popular. We get it. Pssst, your jealousy is showing. How embarrassing.

    But we don’t need twitter for that. Authors will always be a bit crazy. We've been having meltdowns since the beginning of time. It’s only now - that the internet is making them so much more sensational - that it’s news. We’re very capable of unprofessionalism in other forms, and I tell myself that if I can write a blog and be on facebook, I can manage twitter. You don’t need the internet to make a fool out of yourself. You’re either going to manage yourself well, or you’re not.                                                           

Tag! I'm It!

Oh dear. I would never normally do two blog posts in one day. But I seem to have been caught up in an internet game of tag! I've been tagged by Ya fiction author, Michelle Krys. Check out her website here: http://michelle-krys.blogspot.ca/

So now I have to answer eleven questions, and come up with eleven of my own and tag OTHER bloggers in this post. (It's supposed to be eleven, but really, I mean come on. I'm not that popular).

1) What are the top three books in your TBR pile?
See sidebar! Ooh! Cheating.

2) Who is your top book boyfriend (dare I say husband)?
Hm. I would have to say Eric Northmen, from the Sookie Stackhouse books. Meow.

3) If you could have written any YA book in history, what would you choose and why?
The Harry Potter series. Aside from money and fame...I really do think they're sheer creative genius. Then of course, there's the money and fame....

4) If you could live the life of any book heroine who would you choose and why?
Hermione or Ginny from Harry Potter, because I wish I could wave a wand and do magic.

5) Choose one: your book is a literary masterpiece with tons of critical acclaim but very, very lacklustre sales, or your book is a blockbuster of a novel with millions upon millions of copies sold but others question its quality and it is nearly universally bashed in the writing community, a la Twilight. There's no in between or neither choice either (Nice try!)
Aaaw, that's a crappy choice. Um, I'll be shallow and go for the sales. Hopefully my next book will be a literary masterpiece AND I'll be famous enough to sell it! Haha.

6) If you could have the super power of any literary hero or heroine, who would you choose and why?
Tessa, from Cassandra Clare's Infernal devices series. It would be so awesome to be able to morph into someone else and trick people!

7) You're stranded on a desert island for life, with one author. Who is it?
Young adult fiction author, Rebecca Lynn. Because we would just build our own starbucks out of bamboo and sip coconut milk and talk about books forever.

8)You are forced to live one day of your life over and over for eternity. What day is it and why?
Hm, I think it would be my last birthday. Chocolate cake for eternity wouldn't be so bad.

9)If you could be invisible for one day, what would you do with that time?
Um, honestly? I'm tempted to say I would go act heroic or something, but I would probably sneak around and play pranks on people.

10) If you had to be reincarnated into an animal what would it be and why?
A bird, because I've always wanted to fly.

11) If you had to rename yourself what would you choose?
Something fancy. Hm, like Rebecca Velvet. That sounds cool and mysterious. Or maybe the last name Warrior. That would be AWESOME on a book cover.

The Newly Tagged:
-Rebecca Lynn- http://www.authorrlynn.com/
-Melvyn Windham - http://meloramawrites.blogspot.ca/
-Janeen Ippolito - http://thequietpen.wordpress.com
-Cassie Mae - http://www.ninjaswrite.com



My Forwarding Questions:

1)If you got to meet a famous author who would it be?
2)If you got to say only ONE thing to them, what would it be?
3)Make up a fake (and short) book jacket with these words included: Dishwater, hedgehog, nylons,wobbly, sausages, dangerous, angry. Okay, GO...
4)Who is your book boyfriend/girlfriend?
5)Your publisher is paying for you to go anywhere in the world and write a book about it. Where?
6)What is the most HORRIBLE book character you can think of and why?
7) Who is your favorite villain?
8) What is your favorite book to movie?
9)  What was the most horrifyingly scary book you've ever read? Why?
10) What book series do you wish you had written?
11)When is the last time a book made you cry and what book was it?

Queries, Conferences, and Canada’s Got Talent

      

          Recently I accompanied my good friend, Eva Turkoni, to try out for Canada’s Got Talent, in Vancouver. Ironic, since next month she is coming to Surrey with me, where I’ll be attending the Surrey International Writer’s conference. It appears we are “moral support” buddies. Someone to celebrate with, or a shoulder to cry on if it all goes terribly wrong.  The “Canada’s Got Talent” experience was mostly one of waiting. We got there just after 8:00am and proceeded to sit in a long line up (Or “queue” as Eva puts it) filled with the hopeful, and the crazy. We got to hear quite a bit of “talent” as we sat there snarfing our breakfast.

Many contestants were warming up their voices, some were good, some I would compare to the sound of a disturbed child torturing a number of stray cats. We met quite a few interesting people. A “big band” singer, who at first stood in awkward nervousness, fiddling with the cuffs of his pinstripe suite, until he realized we didn’t bite, and opened up, proving to be a nice sort of fellow, a suave magician, who dulled the pain of the long wait with a number of mysterious and baffling card tricks, and a tall, rather loud man who did impressions so astonishingly accurate, that people were ducking down and casting their eyes to the ceiling as he made bird noises.

At last we entered a second room, where Eva had to stand in yet another “queue”, and I joined a triad of nervous mothers waiting for their kids to finish the auditions. About 90% of the people that tried out in Vancouver were singers, so much so, that the news cameras were trolling around looking for any other sort of talent to film.  I was asked several times, what my talent was, to which I replied “nothing” or “my talent is supporting the talent”. In truth, my talent would be thoroughly unimpressive on a show like “Canada’s Got Talent”. Nobody wants to see someone stand there and read a story, or, as my sister suggested, just sit on stage and read a book (and she didn’t mean out loud). Of course, I still got a picture with the “Canada’s Got Talent” sign, even if that makes me a bit of a faker.

            So many nervous, excited people waiting around in one room! It got me thinking about waiting to see Suzie Townsend at the writer’s conference. I’ve heard you have to stand and wait out in a hallway, or that it’s in a huge room full of people sitting at tables (speed dating style) and that you can barely hear one another. None of that makes me feel any less nervous, but I guess it’s better than what I was secretly picturing in my mind.  I had this mental picture of Suzie Townsend, sitting like a literary queen on some huge throne, crushing insignificant little writer’s dreams under her heel, like a winemaker crushes grapes. In my mind she looked something like the ice queen or “white witch” from Narnia, beautiful and terrible, casting down cold judgment on those who trembled before her. Of course, I realize that’s ridiculous. A pitch session is a business meeting, nothing more. It’s me, pitching a novel to her, to see if she would be interested in trying to sell that novel. There will be no throne, and no ice queen. She will not smite me if I stumble over my words. There will be no smiting.

Right now I’m struggling to format a perfect query letter, since every piece of advice I have come across says not to put all your eggs in one basket, (if you happen to fall on your face and break all the eggs, you have backup). So I’ve been trying to write a perfect query letter to send to other agents as well, before I head out for the conference. So far…it’s frustrating. It’s like saying, “Okay writer, you’ve just finished your 100k novel, good job. Now compress it down into one page, and make it perfect. Go.”  Erm…..

            I figure I’ll write one, and let my wonderful editor, Angela Cragg, take a look at it to make sure I’m not making a complete idiot of myself before  I send it. I hope to write the perfect query letter, one that makes the agent say: “Sweet Jesus’ beard! It’s two in the morning, but I MUST read this book! Email me the entire manuscript without delay!”  

In closing, for those that are wondering about my friend’s rise to stardom, Eva will hear back from Canada’s Got Talent in October. So now, it’s a waiting game. There are few things similar in the writing and music industry, but waiting for the payoff is definitely one of them.

       "Your pitch disgusts me, sniveling mortal."

Happily Ever After, or Not?

“This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly; it should be thrown with great force.” Dorothy Parker

            I was reading a book on the beach one morning. I had been deeply engrossed in this book for several days, and upon coming to the end of it, I stared at the last sentence in horror. It read thusly:

  “They may or may not have escaped. Dear reader, what do you think happened?”

          What do I think? I think I just wasted three days on your useless book! So enraged was I, that I threw the offending volume across the sand and into the waves, where the book floated soggily for a second and then sank.  That did not quell my indignant feelings. I thought to myself, that it was as though the author had grown sick of it, and sought the easy way out, committing literary suicide.  

I’m not saying the end of a story has to be all unicorns and rainbows. It doesn’t even have to be happy. But readers, I think you will agree, that it needs to leave you satisfied. Loose ends need to be tied up. There needs to be a glowing note of satisfaction upon closing the book. The reader needs to believe it was time well spent. Perhaps some writers think they are daring and inventive, when their book has a dark and terrible ending, leaving the reader in despair. I myself have finished books and felt depressed afterwards. My heart heavy, as though I would never be happy again.  This is not how readers want to feel. There are enough sad endings to real life stories, I don’t want my fairy tales ending badly too.

If authors feel that “happily ever after” is overdone, they may revert to the “bitter-sweet” ending.  There are many books that pull this off beautifully, for example:

The Notebook-Nicholas Sparks (Yes! That was actually a book, my god!)

The Book of Lost Things- John Connolly (Fabulous book, highly recommended).

Bridge to Terabithia-Katherine Paterson ( I was very soggy after this.)

Some only have bittersweet endings because you don’t want the book to be over (or the series). The ending of the Harry Potter saga for instance, had many a fan in happy tears.

One of the greatest series of all time: Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings, has a very bittersweet ending. Nearly every time I’m torn between being sad and happy. (Frodo is leaving his friends and it’s so sad, but then he’s going with Gandalf to frolic with the Elves for ever and ever….such confused emotions!) Bittersweet is good, it leaves the reader satisfied, and appeases the writer’s artistic temperament. I have to admit, sometimes I  want a plain old ride-off-into-the-sunset, “glass shoe fits and she goes to live in the palace”, type ending.

    

   “And she married the prince, and they had lovely babies that never cried, and she never got old or fat, and they lived a fabulously wealthy life with no taxes. All their subjects loved them, and the weather was always splendid and it never rained.”

THE END